Don't Touch

The 14th question in our questionnaire reads:

In the last year, I have either held hands or kissed a boyfriend/girlfriend:
A. Never 78%
B. Once or Twice 4%
C. Quite a Bit 6%
D. You really don't want to know 12%

The results turned out not so bad, but perhaps complete honesty could be in question; but we shall give the benefit of the doubt. I would love to say that amongst our Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) teens, that immorality was never a problem, but I believe all would agree that this is just not the case. While I believe that our success rate is much higher than that of the worlds, there is still a grave problem amongst our churches.
I recently read that over 1 million teen girls will become pregant this year in the U.S. (Guttmacher Institute) and that 70% of teens will have committed fornication by age 19. Recently, it was surveyed that only 5% of Americans go to a marriage altar pure. Our government spent 50 Billion dollars last year dealing with teen pregnancy. Out of the 1 million pregnancies last year, 520,000 resulted in births, 80,000 resulted in miscarriages, and 400,000 resulted in abortion (http://www.teenshelter.org/data.htm).
While I am confident that our IFB young people's percentages are greatly lowered, it is an unfortunately increasing problem that parents, pastors, and churches are having to deal with.
Now, let me first say, that if you are a young person that has fallen into this sin, get it right with God. Confess the sin to the Lord, repent, and allow His forgiveness and cleansing. Get things right with your parents and church, and determine to allow the Lord to lead in your life, accepting all consequences, and accomplish something for the Lord.
To those who have not given themselves to this sin, I would counsel: DON'T TOUCH! Our Bible's read in 1 Cor. 7:1

...It is good for a man not to touch a woman.

The reason we see this principle so grossly ignored is due to a lack of discipline in the home as a young child. In the garden, God gave to Adam and Eve everything they could ever desire, but one tree God said, "Don't touch!"
With all three of my children, the very first lesson that we have taught to them is "Don't touch!" Be it a hot stove, electric socket, indoor plant, knife, my glasses, or grandma's knick nack, they each have had to learn "Don't Touch!" There have been many slapped hands as a toddler and rods applied as a young chlid. Why? Because there is going to be a day when I don't have time to explain why they can't touch and they need to obey immediately; or there is going to be a day when they will be confronted with one of the above items and I will not be around, and for their safety they had best learned that lesson.
Parents, rear your children with the knowledge that there are somethings you don't touch. Nothing breaks the heart of a parent, pastor, and church like that of a young person with so much potential that loses their purity. One is too many.
It amazes me how youth pastors many times not only allow it to go on, but even encourage it. As a youth pastor, I learned quickly what to look for: both teens sitting with arms crossed close to each other...are holding fingers. Teens sitting on a bus in same seat or infront or behind each other...are holding hands. Some teens have even used a Bible between them to cover their hands while they commit hand-whoredom. Coats, blankets, hats, garbage bags, all have been used to try and hide the rebellion. Don't be naive.
Our 8 month old daughter reached into my shirt pocket the other day to grab my Gospel tracts. I told her "No! No touch" She withdrew and looked at me oddly and reached for them again. "No! no touch" With a pooched out lip and determined look she grabbed for them again. "No! no touch" was followed by a soft slap on the hand. Big tears rolled down her cheeks and a pouting whimper came from her mouth and she grabbed for them again. "No! no touch" was again followed by a soft slap on the hand. This time it was followed by a full out cry, but her rebellion was broken (for this time) and she laid her head on my shoulder not reaching again for the tracts. Would it be terrible for her to grab a tract? Perhaps not, but there were principles being taught...one of which is that there are some things you don't touch. Someday, she will be confronted with much greater temptations, and she needs to have learned that if Daddy said "Don't Touch," then there is a reason, there is a purpose, and it is for my safety that I obey. May all our children learn not to touch.

The Root of All Teen Evil-Part 2

With a broken hearted young lady having left my office, I sat and stared at my Bible. I thought, "Is this really the way God wants us to find our mate?" I opened my Bible and began to search...
But, where do you start? Where in the Bible did anyone date? The answer to that is NOWHERE!! So, where in the Bible did someone find their spouse? There are many such cases, so again, where do I start. It was then I had a novel idea..Genesis with Adam and Eve.
In Genesis 2:20-25 we read:

And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Adam named the animals and in doing so realized there was no "help meet for him." So God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, he slept, God took a rib from him, and made Eve. God gave us a principle about leaving and cleaving, and they were together not ashamed.
"What can I learn from this?" I thought...it was then God changed my life, my church, and my children's futures.
We have for too long taken the world's method of finding a mate and added our "standards" of not touching and waiting to it. I grew up in church and heard 100's of sermons, especially as a teen ager, about purity, abstinence, and keeping your hands off until married....but NEVER heard a sermon on how to Biblically find a mate. We just did it like the world....date around until you get married. I went through the typical pattern from a young person into college of dating girls and dumping girls. I had six girlfriends, I believe, through that time. To this day, when I am around them, their is a sense of awkwardness. Why? I gave them some of my heart...and this was wrong and should not have been.
We have taught our young people to "like them, dump them" and consider it a normal part of teen/college life. Then we wonder why "marry them, divorce them" is a growing problem. That is simply the way they were trained.
Because marriage is the basis upon which the family is built, a lack of standards in this area will weaken the foundations of the family, ultimately the church and our nation. Let us be honest, what fruit does dating leave us with:

Confusion, insecurity, jealousy, bitterness, a craving for attention from the opposite sex, improper thoughts, loss of innocence, loss of time, loss of money, much tension in youth groups, lack of commitment, relationships with parents strained, covetousness, self centeredness, a sensual focus, and even thoughts of suicide

Hebrews 13:4-5 reads that "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." This verse really helped me in discovering God's will for the matter:
1.) Marriage is a wonderful thing
2.) God takes notice and is concerned and will judge our actions concerning marriage
3.) Our conversation (lifestyle) is to be without covetousness (a certain fruit of dating).
4.) It is better for our young people to be content (waiting satisfied) as they are
5.) The Lord is there with them and they should focus on a better relationship with Him
Back to Genesis....what lessons can I learn from Adam and Eve? Here we go:
1. God Created One Person For You
My how this is preached after people get married: "He is your husband, she is your wife, you are not to have eyes for any other but the one God has for you." God created one woman for Adam. He did not create Eve, Evelyn, Esther, Emma, and Elizabeth. He just created one. I believe it is true that God created Stacey for me, and I for her, and we are both to have eyes for no one but each other. Now if that is true...wasn't it true before we were married? Was it not God's will then also? We need to teach our young people that God has one person for them for one lifetime...wait until He reveals that person to you.
2. A man should leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.
This is not really applicable to the dating, but a principle found here that many miss. When you get married, you leave mommy and daddy and your focus is now on and with each other. No more apron strings, loyalty is not divided. I found it most interesting God put this here when THERE WAS NO FATHER OR MOTHER FOR EITHER ADAM OR EVE. God was establishing principles here for finding and joining a mate. This is an important point to remember as we examine other aspects.
3. There is no shame in the right kind of marriage.
I have seen too many marriages that should have been times of great rejoicing, but there was an aspect of shame to it due to a loss of innocence or a child already involved...all due to a lack of Biblical guidance in this area of finding a mate
4. Marriage is for persons of opposite gender
Thought I would throw that in there as it is a Biblical principle as well!
5. The man was to be asleep during the process
Why did God cause Adam to go to sleep. Some have said it was the first anesthesia. Not true, as there was no sin, therefore no pain, no suffering. Going to sleep, medically speaking, was not necessary. So why did God do this? He again is laying down principles. It is important to note that Adam was busy doing the work God had given to him and He was to be asleep as God prepares his mate for him. The man is to stay asleep emotionally, mentally, and physically in this area until God brings the mate to him. In our scenario last week, Timmy, due to his date with Charity, began to "wake up" around 15 years old. Problem is, Timmy is not ready for marriage emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, or in any other way. But as all of us can testify, once you are awake, it's most difficult to go back to sleep. That is why many of our young people fall. They are awaken way before it is time. It is common today for a 9 year old to have a 'girlfriend or boyfriend,' and we all have heard of the tragedies of a 12 or 13 year old becoming a parent. Why? Our young people are waking up before it is time and before the one God has been preparing is ready.
Many parents are afraid their child will "miss out on something" if they accept this Biblical teaching. You are right...they will miss out on broken hearts, coveting, jealousy....and Amen for that! Waiting is God's way of renewing our strength (Is. 40:31)
Adam was to do the work God gave to him and stay asleep until he and she was ready. The best thing our young people can do is stay asleep in this area and serve God and mature in the Lord. When they are ready, God will bring them together. Here is where I see many of our young people struggle with this new concept. They are soooo afraid that they will never get married. They are sooo worried that God will not do what He says He will do. They grow impatient and give up.
Can you imagine if our young people are reared this way, how much more spiritually, mentally, physically, financially mature they will be. My "transition" kids are behind schedule, because they have been playing this dating game and need to patiently catch up to get where God wants them. You see, a half-hearted participation will not work. "Staying asleep" while not maturing in the Lord will lead to frustration. Our young people need to surrender this area to God, let Him mold them, and He will bring the spouse to them. I am thrilled about our younger children being reared this way. I believe we will see them getting married not at a much older age, but rather a younger age as they will be mature in all areas of their life much earlier, and thus God will 'wake them up.' The most important aspect of this, where I believe most Christians lack today-making them most skeptical of these principles-is listening for and hearing the voice of God. We need to teach our young people to wait, mature, work for the Lord, and listen for when He says "Wake up!"
6. The lady is to be conformed in the Lord's hands to what He knows she will need to be for her mate
God took the rib and formed the woman into a perfect help meet for Adam. Our ladies need not to be dressing, talking, and looking to attract a man. No where in the Bible will you find a girl trying to get the attention of a man with the exception of a harlot. Our ladies need to be taught to be focusing on submitting to the Lord's workmanship in their lives, and allowing Him to perfect them in becoming the wife God wants them to be...mentally, physically, spiritually mature.
7. Wake up with the leadership of God given authorities in your life
God woke up Adam and brought Eve to him to wife. That is why in weddings, the father walks the bride down the aisle to give her to the groom. In Gen. 24, Abraham brought to Isaac a wife. In Gen. 26, Esau found his own wife without parental involvement and it was a "grief" to his parents. Isaac sent Jacob in Gen. 28 to get a wife-partial involvement with parents, and it led to problems because they were not there. Samson in Judges also found his own wives against parent's counsel, and we all know how that ended up.
Parents need to lead in seeing their children come to the spouse God has ordained for them. This is not a dictatorial involvement, but a Godly overseeing. Our children need their parents first and foremost, their pastors (2 Chron. 24), and all God-given authority to play a part in guarding the heart of the young people.
I have so much more, but need to bring this to a close...
All of this hinges on the necessity of our young people knowing how to hear God speak to them. That should be our drive and prayer for our young people. Their spouse, next to salvation, is the most important decision they will ever make. We cannot just leave this up to chance and trial and error. There is one way to Heaven, and I believe there is one way to find your mate...God's way of waiting and maturing and allowing the Lord and His ordained authority to lead in the matter. I began last week by quoting 1 Timothy 6:10,

For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

Behind this love is ultimately covetousness. I believe the root of all teen evil is the same, covetousness. Maybe not money, but in desiring wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard the rights of others. That person you 'dated' that you didn't marry, was God's choice for another person.
Here is what I did. I asked the Lord to forgive me for having coveted as a young person and not waited on His choice; and then I began teaching and rearing my young people in this Biblical way.
1 Thessalonians 4 reads, "For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication (pre-marital immorality): that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;not in the lust of concupiscence (to long for something forbidden), even as the Gentiles which know not God (world's way of dating): that no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter ("I love you...2 days later...we need to break up): because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified. For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness."
Amen!
Here are the results from our questionnaire:

I believe the teaching on NOT dating, but waiting and praying for the Lord to prepare me and my spouse to be:
A. Weird....10%
B. Biblical...58%
C. Biblical, but I will not do it...13%
D. The church's opinion....19%

The Root of All Teen Evil-Part 1

1 Timothy 6:10 reads: "For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows."
The idea is coveting. Webster's definition of coveting is: "to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others:" This evil is prominent in society today, but it is not the exact topic I wish to write upon.
Dealing with young people has taught me so much, and I have found that this principle of coveting is their great root of evil as well...but in a slightly different light. Theirs is not one consumed with money, but rather in lust and relationships.
Everybody knows what happens to a young person at around age 13. Life begins to change. Those of the opposite sex who a month ago had "cooties" or "was a GIRL/BOY" YUCK! In the words of Spanky and Alfalfa, "We are he-man woman haters/ We feed girls to alligators." But we all know what happened to Alfalfa next...he met Darla!
Thus begins a new chapter in young people's lives...dating!
As I write this article, I feel somewhat overwhelmed as to what all needs to be printed. I shall do my best to be brief and successful in covering what is important.
When this "light turns on" in our young people's lives, how do we handle it? I like writing in scenarios...so.....
Timmy is 15, he has found that girls are not so bad, even somewhat enjoyable to be around. It makes him happy and he feels all these 'tinglies' in side of him, especially when he is around Charity! Charity is also 15, and sits behind him in Algebra class there at his school, Cornerstone Baptist Academy. They also go to church together and have actually sat in the same pew recently. There are whispers, she may like Timmy. Tim (not Timmy anymore, he is becoming a man) finally gets up the nerve to say "Hey" to Charity after church Sunday. She smiled and said "Hey, Tim." Thus it begins. Soon they are sitting by each other in classes, at lunch, and now at church. In the teen class, everyone knows that Tim and Charity are 'going out' with each other (actually they are not 'going' anywhere, just means they are a couple). Soon it is homecoming at the Baptist Academy and they have a banquet that is conducive of having a 'date.' With a nervous voice and alot of those 'tinglies,' Tim asks Charity to go with him to the banquet. SHE SAID YES! Tim's parents are excited. His dad is secretly proud of him for entering manhood and seeks to 'live through his son' those exciting dating years again. Mom tells him how to treat his date properly. A corsage is purchased by the dad for his son (Tim has no job or money), and they go and pick Charity up. They go to the banquet and pictures are taken from the time Tim puts his tie on until he walks her to the door. Everyone is excited-mom even tells her friends at the ladies fellowship how cute they were together. Soon there is a Prim (Baptist version of a Prom), a valentine's banquet, a week at camp to really draw closer, activities (where they sit together on a bus and occassionally bump into each other while the bus bounces over pot holes...alot bumpier in the back of the bus too, they learn). Now, it's their one year anniversary-of when they started 'going out' (not really going anywhere, just a couple). Tim is 16, almost 17 now, going to be a junior in high school and is going out on an official date-(not church related). Dad will drive them around, but stay away from them at every destination. Finally, it is time to drop her off at the door. Tim does while dad stays in the car. Dad can't stand it anymore... "So Tim, did you kiss her goodbye?" WHAT!!! Tim can't believe his dad ask. Honestly, Tim didn't, but next time...oh, next time....he does. Soon they are holding hands in the back seat with dad or mom driving. They allow it, because it is innocent and they are there, so what harm is it? They are not allowed to at church, but at home in the presence of a parent, chaperoned, it's ok.
Now it is their two year anniversary, Tim is a senior in high school, and Charity is a beautiful young lady. They are 'The Couple' of the youth group. They are voted King and Queen of the Baptist Academy Homecoming. They are so cute together and whispers of even marriage in a few years are being shared. Dad looks at Tim on Prim night (that's the Baptist version of a Prom...if you don't know, it usually is a nice banquet where everyone gets dressed in formal attire and then change clothes and go to a lock in at a gym or go carts or something until early in the morning)...anyways...Dad looks at Tim and says, "Son, you and Charity have behaved and done all that we have asked you to do, I'm gonna step out and let you pick her up on your own. Remember Jesus is watching, don't do nothing stupid, pick her up and go straight to church. Call me when you get there." Tim's heart begins to instantly thump rapidly. Maybe not the first time he picks her up, but soon the hand holding turns to leg touching, to her head leaning on his shoulder...to a broken hearted dad and mom wondering how their kids could be so stupid...to a broken hearted pastor and he deals with the pieces shattered on the ground. What happened?
Now, in reality, Tim probably goes through Charity, Hope, Faith, and Joy before he makes this tragic mistake. Our homes, our youth groups, our Baptist Colleges -the ones with high standards-all conducive to this dating scenario. There are success stories-especially in the college world of NO TOUCHING AT ALL-but I think we all know, that there are way too many tragedies along with those. Why? What have we done wrong?
That's a question I began to ask myself about 5 years ago. I had a young lady approach me that was in my youth group. She was (and is) a tremendous young lady who loves the Lord. She was in college at the time at one of the big four IFB colleges, and there was this guy she liked. She came to me, her pastor, and asked, "Pastor, how do I know if he is the one or not?" I looked at her and replied, "The same way we all found our spouse, you have to date him and get to know him better. Just honor the Lord and keep your hands to yourself and follow the guildelines you have been taught." She did, and about a year and a half later, she sat in my office in tears after a bad break up. She did exactly what I told her, she followed every guideline, and her heart was broken and there was fighting and divisions between families and friends. She looked at me and said, "Pastor, I did what you said, is this right?"
Is this really what God wants? Is this really the way God wants us to find our spouse? I began to pray and instead of accepting what I did to find my wife and the way I was taught and shown, I did something weird...I looked in the Bible. This Book is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path...this Book has the answers to every problem, instructions for every life. Does it teach anything concerning how to find a spouse other than "it is good for a man not to touch a woman?"
With an open heart and a searching eyes and a constant prayer, I sought God.

Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy law. Make me to understand the way of thy precepts: so shall I talk of thy wondrous works. Give me understanding, and I shall keep thy law; yea, I shall observe it with my whole heart. Psalm 119

And He did, and it changed my life, and the future for my children, our church, our youth group, and possibly you too.
Stand by for Part 2