Monkey in the Middle

Columbine. Virginia Tech. These names are fairly familiar to most of us, and upon hearing them, we are filled with a sense of sadness that these tragedies occurred in our nation, in our time. Sadly, these incidents, while by far the worst of their kind, are not isolated. Over 40 other such tragedies have taken place in the past 15 years, and the general feeling is that there are more to come. Many have attempted to understand why and to get a grasp of how this could have happened. Unfortunately, the majority of those searching for reasons are looking for answers in the wrong places. As always, the simplest answers are usually the right ones. Let me explain. One of the saddest things about these tragedies is that seemingly no one knew what was going to happen; no one thought their child was capable of such violent acts. To that I say - Huh? Where have you been? How do you not know what is going on in the life of your child? How is it possibe that we allow our young people, who we brought into this world, to drift so far from us that we don't know what is going on? What are we doing? What is so important that we neglect one of the greatest gift's God gives to us? Parents, it is our God-given responsibility to raise up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. As a child of God, I'm glad to know that He is concerned with everything that goes on in my life and doesn't allow anything to slip by His ever watchful eye.
The title of this discourse is Monkey in the Middle. When I became youth pastor, I thought I knew exactly what was required for the job. Teach S.S., plan activities, go to camps, build and maintain realtionships with the youth, and try to guide them in the right direction. Sounds simple. The problem arose when I began to realize that I had a better relationship with many of them than their parents; that troubled me. It didn't seem quite right that whenever I would try to get them to talk to their parents, they didn't feel comfortable. I didn't understand it fully at the time, but I was taking something that didn't belong to me. When Pastor Burke approached me two years ago regarding how God had been leading him concerning youth, it relieved me to know that I wasn't the only one having difficulty with this issue. My hope and prayer is that, as parents, we would desire to first give our children our hearts that we might gain theirs. What is the result if we don't? Having already looked at Malachi 4:6, I would present Proverbs 30:11-14:
There is a generation that curseth their father, and doth not bless their mother. There is a generation that are pure in their own eyes, and yet is not washed from their filthiness. There is a generation, O how lofty are their eyes! and their eyelids are lifted up. There is a generation, whose teeth are as swords, and their jaw teeth as knives, to devour the poor from off the earth, and the needy from among men.
Are we there yet?

Dear Abby

In 1956, Pauline Phillilps founded an advice column called Dear Abby. Today,her daughter, Jeanne Phillips, carries on the tradition of the advice column run by most major newspaper organizations and a growing number of websites. One can write of their dilemma and soon after read some "applicable counsel." Blah...blah...blah...
Question number eight on our youth questionnaire reads:

When I need advice or counsel, I feel most comfortable talking to:
A: School Counselor: 4%
B: Friend: 25%
C: Youth Pastor: 20%
D: Pastor: 6%
E: Parent: 45%

At first glance, one may be celebrating a parent victory! While it is true, they did lead in votes; isn't it sad that 55% of our young people, when they need counsel, feel most comfortable talking to someone OTHER THAN their parents?
Now for sure, I am not against young people getting counsel from their pastor or youth pastor, but I believe it ought to be obtained under the guidance of the parents.
In today's IFB movement, the theory of "send them to Christian school, church, and involved in activities and all will be well" is proven over and over to be a failure. In my year's of youth pastor I made my share of mistakes; but it still amazes me how that most children that did wrong or rebelled was MY FAULT. Now, I was not perfect, but there are only three youth in this world who if they rebel is my fault...My children.
I cannot stress enough the importance of parents obtaining the hearts of their children. When I was youth pastor, in my ignorance and now shame, I had the heart of too many of the teens I ministered to. Most would climb a mountain or swim an ocean for me at the time (some still might). I had their heart. How? I listened, talked, and loved them and showed that love. I loved spending time with them. I was interested in their lives, even the things that were uninteresting to me. I got their hearts, but it should have been their parents.
Our church, under the leadership of God, has been going through many changes in these areas. There is still some "adjusting" going on to new Biblical philosophies. I have heard from parents that their teen ager doesn't "love Bro. Carr like their other child did me." Or, I have heard "Bro. Carr just doesn't have a 'heart' for these kids.' Well, both statements are wrong. Bro. Carr does love the young people just as I did, if not more, in that he is pushing their hearts towards their parents. Bro. Carr does have a 'heart' for our young people-one of knowledge-that desires them to have a Biblically healthy relationship with their parents.
Problem I see is that most parents don't want that responsibility. Most would rather have a fall back to blame if their 'kids don't turn out right.' While learning the youth ministry, I was taught that there were: Youth Pastors and Youth Directors.
The Youth director would organize activities and run events and teach a class; but that we ought to strive to be a youth pastor who does all of the above, but does it while getting the heart of the young people and ministering to them in love. I swallowed it and applied it and sought to be a youth pastor. Problem is, the last 5 years, I have been re-evaluating what we do in our IFB churches in accordance to the Bible. I don't find "youth pastor, youth minister, youth director, or youth leader" in any way. Today's common thought when thinking of youth pastor is "The fun, goofy guy that works at church." How sad.
What we need today are parents who will turn their hearts to their children and as a result have the heart of their child turned to them-or as Malachi 4:6 reads, if we do not, God will "come and smite the earth with a curse." Today, in our age of apostacy, we suffer even in our churches with:

"they that count it pleasure to riot in the day time. Spots they are and blemishes, sporting themselves with their own deceivings while they feast with you;Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children: Which have forsaken the right way, and are gone astray, following the way of Balaam the son of Bosor, who loved the wages of unrighteousness" 2 Peter 2.

Notice, there would be 'cursed children.' Why? Parents have neglected to get the hearts of their young people. Did you know, God made all of us with the desire to give our hearts away? It is best that it be given to the parent until a wedding day, where it should be then given to a wife until 'death do they part.' Instead, most young people will give it to 17 boy/girl friends in high school and college and then 2 husbands/wives through divorce. We are failing.
It may seem like a small matter "where do our young people feel most comfortable getting their counsel," but it is quite the opposite.
Bible warns over and over against wrong counsel:

The LORD bringeth the counsel of the heathen to nought: he maketh the devices of the people of none effect. Psalm 33:10

Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. Psalm 1:1

Behold, these caused the children of Israel, through the counsel of Balaam, to commit trespass against the LORD in the matter of Peor, and there was a plague among the congregation of the LORD. Numbers 31:16

The right kind of counsel is obtainable through the Word of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, and wise men (not peers).

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isaiah 9:6

For the LORD giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding. Prov. 2:6

He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. Prov. 13:20

In closing, I encourage the reader to reference the story of Rehoboam in 1 Kings 12. There, a young man was given the choice between the counsel of his peers and that of wise men. He chose that of his peers, and lost everything. Parents, with all thy getting, get the heart of your child so that in the days when they need counsel (and those days will come), they feel most comfortable coming to you.

Losing is just the Opposite of Winning

A great man once made the following keen observation - "Losing is just the opposite of winning." Okay, I jest. I made that statement in response to a loss I had just been handed at something that I now don't remember. After all, who remembers losses? Actually, some of life's greatest lessons are learned from defeat. To all of the parents out there, I pose this question, "What have we learned from the loss of our youth?" For the most part, we've learned how to make excuses for our losses, and to pass the blame to others. Sometimes a loss is unavoidable. For example, in my senior year of high school our basketball team was invited to play in a regional tournament to replace another local team that "couldn't make it." (That should have been the first red flag.) To make a somewhat long, but more so painful story short, we were extremely outclassed and out manned and were sent back home very humbly. So what happened? We had the same rules, played with the same equipment, knew the same basic facts of the game, yet we got thumped( forgive my slang). The difference, looking back now with a bit more understanding, was that they put to better use the skills that they had and to refer to a principle we find in Hebrews 4:14, they exercised their abilities more than did we. Now that was an unimportant sporting event that really had no bearing on the ultimate outcome of our lives. Our youth, on the other hand, are very important and how we rear them does have a very strong impact on their future. How can we guarantee a successful future? God tells us in II Peter 1:3 that He has given us all that we need to live a life of godliness. What sets apart a successful Christian from a not-so-successful Christian, is that one uses the tools God has given and the other makes excuses. Parents, do you know who your children's friends are? Proverbs 13:20 says, "He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed." Do you know the kind of influences that are affecting your child? Be it books, t.v., movies, computers, games, friends, etc., we must be aware of what is going on with our young people. Parents, more than any other person, have the God-given position to influence their young people. Sadly, many have forfeited that role due to other responsibilities, popular opinion, or some other "excusable" reason. In reality, what we're saying is, "Losing is just the opposite of winning."
C. Lee Carr

A Brainwashed Society

I admit it, I grew up enjoying the "sci-fi" world. My dad was a huge fan of "Twilight Zone," "Alfred Hitchcock Presents," and "Star Treck," "Buck Rogers," and the like. So believe me, I saw my share of brain washing...and oddly enough received some of it through it.
The world has brainwashed us as Christians so much in the area of young people. I have even heard in our churches "Teen agers are social creatures and we must provide for that." Well....not really. Their flesh may desire to be social creatures, but that is just a product of the world's philosophy and practice. As a youth pastor and now pastor, I could not tell you the myriads of parents who have come to me upset because, "My child has no friends!" Good people have left Biblically sound churches because 'Timmy had not friends.' I am not sure who the biggest baby is in those cases!
Please show me in Scripture where the Lord commands that young people need friends of thier peers. Please show me where it is suggested they have friends of thier peers. Hinted at? O.k., then show me where young people are warned about having wrong type of friends:

Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.
I Cor. 15:33

We have been brainwashed...children must go to school and sit with 25 other children their age; there they will be educated....true, but not the education they need.
We have been brainwashed...We must have a teen class and teen activities so that our children can be social and kept out of trouble...youth pastors please stand whose teens are in no trouble.
We have been brainwashed...More activities in church will keep them from the world....well if that was working the last two months of our studies would have been rather pointless.
Fact is, Scripture teaches that our young people need to listen to Dad and Mom. Our young people need to get counsel from Dad and Mom, to find refuge in Dad and Mom, to laugh with Dad and Mom, to fellowship with Dad and Mom. Scripture teaches this:

My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother: For they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck. My son, if sinners entice thee, consent thou not. If they say, Come with us, let us lay wait for blood, let us lurk privily for the innocent without cause: Let us swallow them up alive as the grave; and whole, as those that go down into the pit: We shall find all precious substance, we shall fill our houses with spoil: Cast in thy lot among us; let us all have one purse: My son, walk not thou in the way with them; refrain thy foot from their path: For their feet run to evil, and make haste to shed blood. Proverbs 1:8-16

Fact is we have followed the world's advice in segregating people into groups of their own peers, and as a result are losing them to the world. Our seventh question on our questionnaire reads:

If I could create a perfect day, I would spend it with my:
A: Friends...50%
B: Boyfriend/Girlfriend...12%
C: Parents...26%
D: Youth Pastor...12%

Friends, friends, friends. Typical Tommy spends his day 8 hours at school with their friends, 1 hour on phone with friends, 2 hours on line with friends, 1 hour texting friends, 2 hours hanging out with friends, 3 hours watching t.v. or playing his XBOX, (so he will have something to talk to his friends about, 10 minutes eating with parents, and the rest of it in his room avoiding awkward conversation with his parents and maybe sleeping a few hours before we do it again.
He has Myspace, facebook, cell phone, unlimited texting, and now on-line gaming (friends don't even need to come over to play the game now); and may God forbid if mom were to try to interrupt any of it by knocking on the door!
Friends! Nearly 3/4-75% of our children, if they could have a perfect day, would spend it with friends. Parents did get 1/4 of the votes. And the youth pastor checked in with 12%.
What does the Bible instruct? Parents get the hearts of your young people by doing the same three things Absalom did in getting the hearts of Israel-Talk to them, listen to them, and touch them and embrace them. Sad part it, those three things strikes fear into the hearts of most parents and their children.
Many think that their young people NEED a support group to do right. I agree. It's called the family and their church. We do not need a youth activity ever week. We do not need a "teen section" in church where all the teens sit. We do not need "Teen church" because the young people are bored in the auditorium. We need parents who love and embrace their children, pastors who preach the truth, and homes that serve our Lord together.

Be a role player

In any sport, the teams that succeed are the ones where everyone knows their role and fulfills it to the best of their ability. In my high school years, my focus in sports was basketball, and since I lived in rural Iowa which had no professional sports I had my choice as to whom I would root for. The only sport that I cared to watch at that time was professional basketball, and that being the 90's era, there can be little doubt as to who I cheered for - that's right, the Jordan-led Chicago Bulls, and yes, I jumped off that band wagon long ago. The reason I mention this, is for all of Michael Jordan's greatness, the Bulls were never much of a threat for the title until they had all the right players filling all the right roles. In the family arena, God has set out the roles for each "player' and the responsibility of those roles. What happens on a team when one player decides he doesn't like his role, or that he prefers another role? Confusion and chaos rule. I know for a fact that there were players on those Bulls teams who were not happy with their role; yet they succeeded anyway. How? They learned to sacrifice their pride and wills and understand the bigger goal. Let's look then at our modern society and especially our young people. What is it that you might say seems an apt word to describe them? How about confused? Father's have stopped leading, mother's have ceased nurturing, and the children wander the streets trying to find out what's what on their own. Our daughter's have lost all self-respect and sold themselves cheap in the name of liberty. Our sons lash out and get in trouble trying to prove themselves men, or worse, give up trying to be men and go the other direction. So how to solve the problem? Simple - men, get off the couch, turn off the t.v., stop working needless overtime, go home and lead your families. Stop taking your parenting advice from Oprah, Dr. Phil, or anybody else in Hollywood who claims to be an expert, pick up your Bible, read, and then lead. Yes, it falls on the man to take the responsibility. Why? God said so. Sound too simple? It is simple, but don't mistake simple for easy. Is it worth it? Well, what's the alternative? God said in Malachi
4:6, "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to the fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." Notice who will turn first; it is not the children's responsibility to lead, not even the mother's, but the father's. Will we act before it's too late. Can we not see already in our society the effects of this curse amid the chaos of broken homes and damaged lives? God is looking for men to stand in the gap. Will you?
C. Lee Carr

"Da-da"

But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
1 Cor. 11:3

Our youngest daughter is now nearly 6 months old and she seems to be growing so quickly. I am sure most parents would agree that we spend the first year teaching our children to talk and walk, then spend the next 17 teaching them to sit and be quiet. We are on our third, and it is all the same.
We are to the point now that when asked where is "Da-da," she will look at me. "Ma-ma" and she will look at my wife. "Dog-dog" and she looks at Snickers. For now, her best attempt at communicating sounds much like a Velociraptor after its prey, but we will get there.
So far, our other two chilren's first words both were "da-da." So I always have taken advantage, as I will with Hope as well. As in, "Who do you love?" "Who is your hero?" "Who is in charge?" To each, a boisterous "Da-da." I figure you start immediately training!
Our sixth question on our questionnaire was as follows:

Being anonymous, and completely honest, I would say that the person who runs my family is:
A: Father.............58%
B: Mother.............32%
C: Me or another child...4%
D: Grandparent........3%
E: No One.........3%

So, "Da-da" wins! As it should be. Now before anyone accusses of being sexist or bigoted. Scripture teaches that man is the head of the woman, Christ is the Head of man, and God is the Head of Christ. See 1 Cor. 11:3, 1 Peter 3:1, Colossians 3:18, Eph. 5:22. Of course, children are to be in subjection to their parents: Eph. 6:1-3 and Exodus 20:12, to name a few. Thus, we see that the children are to obey their parents and the wife is to be in subjection to the husband, and the husband in subjection to Christ...thus who is to be leading? Da-da!
We need authority because of many reasons:
1. Authority produces results. In Scripture, authority always preceeds power (Matt. 28:18, Acts 1:8, Luke 4:31-36).
2. Authority Ends confusion. (Matt. 6:24). We cannot serve two masters. Too many chiefs leads to rebellion. Devil hates authroity and seeks to destroy it always. The book of Jude tells of the age of apostacy when people "despise dominion, and speak evil of dignities." Even Christ is placed under the Authority of God.
3. Authority Protects. Study Scripture and the phrase "the fear of the Lord." That phrase is a recognizing of God's Authority. When one submits to that, there is safety.
4. Authority Brings blessings in our lives that we could not have otherwise. 2 Tim. 2:5 tells us to see that we strive "lawfully." Striving lawfully brings the masteries (or blessings). I believe God uses para-church ministries to reach souls; but I believe there are great blessings being missed because it is not being done lawfully (through the local church). I believe a home can produce Godly children without proper male leadership, but there will be blessings missed because of the lack thereof. Authority brings these blessings.
5. We will always fall under wrong authority if we are not kept under the right authority. (Luke 4:6) There is no such thing as being under No authority.

I say all that to say that it is important that fathers recognize their Biblically ordained role as being heads of their homes. When this responsibility is acknowledged and accepted, there are tremendous benefits that follow.

Most of our IFB fathers would probably say that they are running their home, but 42% of our children would say otherwise. Being the leader in your home is not being a dictator or emporer, it is being Christ like. Husbands Biblical example is Christ (Eph. 5:23). Stop and think what all Christ has done and is doing for us and for our churches...that is what we are to be as father's to our wives and our children.
May God help us to be leaders, and may our wives and children recognize that their love, protection, joy, comfort, help, forgiveness, restoration, refuge, and so much more, be found in "Da-da."

Heading for Rumspringa

Family devotions. Are they necessary? According to the results of the survey, no. Okay then, what, if anything, does God's Word say about it? Quite a lot, actually. Referring back to a previously mentioned passage, Deuteronomy 6, we actually fall short if all we do is family devotions. In that passage, God gives the guidelines for how we are to involve His Word in our families - everywhere and always. In other words, we are to have it so interwoven into our lives that we couldn't imagine life without it. Not just that we have Bibles in our homes, but that we use it and apply it and know how to handle it. That, based upon God's Word, is how we live a successful Christian life and pass those values on to our children. The title to this section is "Heading for Rumspringa" - allow me to explain. In the Amish community, there is a practice regarding their youth called rumspringa. The idea behind this practice is at a certain the youth are basically "released into the wild", allowed to go out and live like the heathen, and when they have fulfilled all the desires of their lustful, wicked hearts, and sown all their wild oats, they make a choice as to whether they will continue on the outside, or return to the fold. To their credit, 80-90% do return. The reasons, however, are not due to the great influence of the religion on their heart and minds, but are more related to family ties and financial security( since it's the only life they know and the only work they've trained for, it's easier to return than to start from scratch). My question, then, is are we heading for rumspringa( translated - running around)? It seems this is the practice that many Baptists are employing today. The phrase that particularly caught my eye in researching this was that of "sowing the wild oats." I'm sorry, but I was of the understanding that God promised us we would reap that which we sow. So then, if we sow wild oats, will we not reap a wild harvest? And if we have not instilled enough knowledge of the doctrine and principles of the Word of God in our children so that even if given the opportunity they would shun the ways of the world, have we not failed to properly instruct and train them? In closing, I give the example of the sons of Rechab in Jeremiah 35. In the midst of a time of rebellion, chaos, and wickedness in Israel, these sons stayed true to the teaching and instruction that had been handed down for several generations. What a powerful testimony they had, so much so, that God held them up to the entire nation of Israel as an example of what they should be. May God challenge us to avoid rumspringa and determine to raise up our families to follow the example of the Rechabites.
C. Lee Carr